This is not a happy post.

I sit quiet and paralyzed in my room waiting for the thought to pass, stale air trapped in my lungs, tired limbs on the cold, hard marble floor, I attempt to whisper mantras about practicality.
But the thought refuses to pass. It stays..

..I stare at the ceiling, thinking about the number of graves I've dug myself; sloppy and poorly handled. There is a piece of my soul in every grave, and I think to myself how much I have in me, left to give. It’s funny, really…individually, how they almost mean nothing, just small messy holes with minuscule past regrets and failed attempts but then you stand outside of the box and get a nice aerial view,  you realize you’re looking at an entire field of loss; loss in dignity, respect, love, life, knowledge, trust and mostly, people.


I wonder before I die, if I will be empty.

P.s- This is my first attempt writing about my feelings and emotions. *gulp*
Next post, getting back on the randomness and awkwardness of my life.

P.p.s- I hate being sad. Good music can help me. Paaahleasee giveee.

Endoplasmic Reticulum

Been long time no?
Off late my life is only red eyes and coffee stains. 
I just voluntarily told my mom I'll make my bed myself today. And I'll wake up early to sort out my closet. 
I think I'm growing up.


Does anyone else feel how everything is becoming so expensive ?
Most of the time I'm like I need to  SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE. 
but as whenever I step into a shop
'holy tits! its a buy 10 get 1 free sale! what a deal!'


Money management. Fail.
Besides stationary is so expensive.

STAEDTLER, Y U NO MAKE AFFORDABLE STATIONARY??

Y U MAKE ME SO BROKE??

Topic jump.
Every time before sleeping, I’m afraid that I’ll sleep through my alarm and wake up 4 hours late and be thrown out of class or college which breeds all kinds of unnecessary anxiety. Apparently, it leaks over into my subconscious as well, since I had a terrifyingly weird dream last night about being late.


In my dream, I woke up in my brother’s room, and hour and half later than I was supposed to. I freaked out and ran out, only to find my mother sitting at the table. She scolded me, telling me how she just knew I was going to wake up late and how irresponsible I was. I scrambled to get ready. 
Then I finally got out of the house, sky was an apocalyptic purply-red and the air was still. Then there was gap. I was standing outside my college. It was 8 58. I rushed to the stairs, climbed all the four floors, I could see my class now. End of the hallway. I strained to get there, almost crying from the effort, thinking of the shame I would feel when my teacher threw me out, the disappointment on my clasmmates’ faces, my inevitable destitution on the streets without my college, AND THEN SUDDENLY…


My real alarm clock rang. 
My first groggy thought was, “I have to go through my morning routine again?! Oh, hell.” 
And yes, I made it to college on time. 
I need to chill.


This is the most amazingly beautiful piece of music that has ever flowed through my ears.


Does anyone have any good music? Or good blogs? :3


p.s- This blog might just go into hibernation. I considered deleting cause I won't be able to right often. But then lets see how this works.
p.p.s- This post has obviously nothing to do with Endoplasmic Reticulum.

Kthanksbyenow :)

If anyone needs me I will be sitting in a corner, banging my head against the wall

Okay I'm not perfect, neither is my life. 
My two month vacations gets over tomorrow. 
And like expected, I did none of things that I was planning to do. 
I made a list. Of 10 things. 
after two months, the list looks the same to me. 
Nothing to cross out.


But vacations were fun.
Went places.
Met best friends. 
Gave them a surprise. :)
Shopping. More shopping. 


And whats is up with men in Delhi? 
They talk to your boobs, so awkward. So many occasions I wanted to say "Uncleji, I have a face"


Talking about awkward. 
When an old friend randomly starts trying to sext you.
Ahhhh the awkwardness is just too much. And I’m the fucking queen of awkward.


Off late, many people have been telling me that they don't understand me. 
Look. You're not supposed to.
How can you?
It takes a lifetime to understand oneself.
How should one dare to try and understand someone else. 
Why do even want to understand someone? I don't see any need. 
Only if people let go of this struggle of understanding people, life will be much easier. 
Basically. life without any kind of emotional attachment would be good. 


Moving on, did anyone see X men?
What if the entire x-men first class movie didn't exist because the entire time Charles was making you think that you saw it but you really didn't and you were sitting at home the entire time and that's really all your life is because he makes you think that too and nothing is real and all your memories are fake. 


How cool would this be. 


Just a rant. Will try and make sense next time. okaybyeepeoplee.
And this is a beautiful playlist. Enjoyy :D

Take my final breath

Engulfed in a maelstrom;
you are the current that's dragging me down
into an empty cold place, my untimely demise,
but what a perfect death would it be
to die in your arms.
Now the pressure increases
and my ribs shatter, I feel the punctured lungs
and my breathing slows, 
I send one final brave glance, a silent protest.
Looking down at my watery grave,
accepting my final burial.
And I see you smile
as you watch me suffer and die.

Fuck you toe.

Hello Toe,
I put you in hot and attractive shoes, put you in comfy socks, lay you on a nice sheet at night, put the best sneakers on you for self defense, clean you, paint you all pretty and eat enough so that every part of my body, even you, can function. 
AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? WITH PAIN.
I wish I wasn't so much of a pussy when it comes to stubbing my toe.

Seriously.

I EXPERIENCE THE SMALLEST AMOUNT OF PAIN and I am reduced to a cussing, squeaking, whimpering fool.
I shouted like
"Sonofafuckingbitchthathurtlikefuckingaduckshitbastardrage!"

Fuck this I’m becoming a caterpillar.

*There's no reason why I wrote this post.
Yeah I'm like the mother of random.
Anyway, I changed the layout, the blog name and the url.
Why?
Stalkers
Cause I hate attention. It makes me insecure. I feel people might see a side of me which I want to keep under the shadows, hidden.
also the idea of people who know me pretty well, reading the blog used to restrict my writing. Heavily. 

New beginnings always excite me. 
okaybyenow.
:D

Surrounded by..

Idiots.

Not even I can fake these levels of fail. 

Keeping reading..

#Xyz- hey ill b done wid work early 2day. wanna hangout in d evenin ???

me - Hey. Sorry for the late reply. I'm sick. will be staying in..

xyz- oh thats k. Hope ur feaaling better soon sweety. 

FEAALING.

FEAALING.

FEAALING.

Correct grammar, where art thou?

But I wasn't actually sick or anything. 

#So i go to Landmark. I love the smell of books :D

Girl at the bookstore - Can I help you ?

Me - Yes, thank you, well i'm searching for The Vampire Diaries books.

Girl - The Vampire what?

Me - Me: Diaries, it's about a girl in love with a vampire, but is not twilight..

Girl - Ohh. 

Well here. 

(hands out)

*The  Twilight Saga- New Moon*

WHY BITCH WHY

Topic jump# 

When that one annoying person keeps talking and talking about something you could care less about. Then you try and correct them, yet you’re so frustrated that you walk out on them. Then the dumb ass has the nerve to wonder WHY you walked out.

So stupid.

like how did you even make it this far in life oh my gosh.

I already hate clingly people (girls/boys) 

Stupid + clingly = fucking suicidal.

Now please excuse, I have to go and disembowel my brain. 

okaybyenow.
Oh and my new favorite blog this one. :D

Meanwhile..

Why don't people get it..

My brother and me btw.