This is not a happy post.

I sit quiet and paralyzed in my room waiting for the thought to pass, stale air trapped in my lungs, tired limbs on the cold, hard marble floor, I attempt to whisper mantras about practicality.
But the thought refuses to pass. It stays..

..I stare at the ceiling, thinking about the number of graves I've dug myself; sloppy and poorly handled. There is a piece of my soul in every grave, and I think to myself how much I have in me, left to give. It’s funny, really…individually, how they almost mean nothing, just small messy holes with minuscule past regrets and failed attempts but then you stand outside of the box and get a nice aerial view,  you realize you’re looking at an entire field of loss; loss in dignity, respect, love, life, knowledge, trust and mostly, people.


I wonder before I die, if I will be empty.

P.s- This is my first attempt writing about my feelings and emotions. *gulp*
Next post, getting back on the randomness and awkwardness of my life.

P.p.s- I hate being sad. Good music can help me. Paaahleasee giveee.

Endoplasmic Reticulum

Been long time no?
Off late my life is only red eyes and coffee stains. 
I just voluntarily told my mom I'll make my bed myself today. And I'll wake up early to sort out my closet. 
I think I'm growing up.


Does anyone else feel how everything is becoming so expensive ?
Most of the time I'm like I need to  SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE SAVE. 
but as whenever I step into a shop
'holy tits! its a buy 10 get 1 free sale! what a deal!'


Money management. Fail.
Besides stationary is so expensive.

STAEDTLER, Y U NO MAKE AFFORDABLE STATIONARY??

Y U MAKE ME SO BROKE??

Topic jump.
Every time before sleeping, I’m afraid that I’ll sleep through my alarm and wake up 4 hours late and be thrown out of class or college which breeds all kinds of unnecessary anxiety. Apparently, it leaks over into my subconscious as well, since I had a terrifyingly weird dream last night about being late.


In my dream, I woke up in my brother’s room, and hour and half later than I was supposed to. I freaked out and ran out, only to find my mother sitting at the table. She scolded me, telling me how she just knew I was going to wake up late and how irresponsible I was. I scrambled to get ready. 
Then I finally got out of the house, sky was an apocalyptic purply-red and the air was still. Then there was gap. I was standing outside my college. It was 8 58. I rushed to the stairs, climbed all the four floors, I could see my class now. End of the hallway. I strained to get there, almost crying from the effort, thinking of the shame I would feel when my teacher threw me out, the disappointment on my clasmmates’ faces, my inevitable destitution on the streets without my college, AND THEN SUDDENLY…


My real alarm clock rang. 
My first groggy thought was, “I have to go through my morning routine again?! Oh, hell.” 
And yes, I made it to college on time. 
I need to chill.


This is the most amazingly beautiful piece of music that has ever flowed through my ears.


Does anyone have any good music? Or good blogs? :3


p.s- This blog might just go into hibernation. I considered deleting cause I won't be able to right often. But then lets see how this works.
p.p.s- This post has obviously nothing to do with Endoplasmic Reticulum.

Kthanksbyenow :)